We all know it is possible. Those who furrowed their brow at Masai’s decision to rid the North of DeMar are waiting to toss out a “Told you so” or two, accompanied with a punch-me-in-face smirk come the end of the season. Nobody really wants that of course, other than a few Canadian basketball nihilists. As true Raptors fans, we want to see them kill it this year, re-sign Kawhi, and lose in the Finals every year until Golden State all get the mumps in a timely and suspicious fashion. That’s the best case Ontario. What’s the worst look like? Well, since it is the offseason, here goes nothing.
It all starts with Drake. Drake releases a Kanye diss track, which is the most poorly received piece of work by the Raptors ambassador since his work on Degrassi. Even Pulitzer Prize winner Kendrick Lamar rips him and his entire image is ruined. In an odd twist, Kiefer Sutherland is handed Drake’s season tickets. He rarely attends games, with Doug Ford ultimately filling in about sixty percent of the time.
The off court antics trickle into the locker room. While the team starts the year with four wins in its first five games, it’s reminiscent of when Bobby Rayburn closes his eyes yet still hits a homer during his first at bat for the Giants in The Fan. While Robert De Niro doesn’t come along and kidnap Kawhi, he might as well in this storyline. Kawhi goes full on Beast Mode. But not the good kind, the media-hating iteration. He goes through the motions on the court and the only top ten moments he offers are shown alongside Mike Gundy’s “I’m a man, I’m 40!” rant.
Danny Green’s passion for the club and the city only serves as an annoying spark between he and Kawhi. Uncle Dennis works as Kawhi’s proxy in fighting this battle, which boils over during a trip to Boston, as Dennis finds himself fed up with the overbearing cross-border security. “Man, I ain’t taking my shoes off for nobody,” he declares as Danny picks up for the security agent. A pushing match ensues. On the court, Danny starts to show his age, and he is inevitably pushed down the rotation. In spite of this he continues to babble on about how much he loves Canada. It evolves into a series of memes, until he is traded at the deadline for a second round pick in 2023.
While Kyle is still doing Kyle things, it’s clear he misses his old friend. He tries his best to transpose his love onto FVV, but the chemistry just isn’t there as FVV turns out to be a lot less reliable in the fourth quarter during the 2018-19 season. FVV’s clothing line takes a major blow as a result of his step backwards on the court, although he manages to sift out a niche market with a men’s briefs line.
Serge Ibaka attempts to push meditation practices onto his teammates, but only Jonas really buys in. Both players start to shy away from contact more and more, while tossing up three after three; they tend not to go in. The pair do more awkward things than non-awkward things as the season unfolds.
Pascal rolls his ankle early in the season and questions whether or not he can defend from side to side. He has a nervous breakdown, but overcomes it when Nick Nurse offers him his very own fully reinforced ankle brace that he himself used to wear during men’s league nights back in the mid-nineties.
OG Anunoby has a solid year. It doesn’t matter much, however, as he can’t right the ship himself. Meanwhile, he seemingly hates everyone and everything. Rumors swirl about him being overly sensitive.
Nick Nurse is fired shortly after the All-Star break when it is revealed that he has been attempting to teach defensive tactics via NBA 2K19. Despite how realistic the gameplay is, the players make fun of Nurse behind his back and he loses the locker room entirely.
Sam Mitchell takes over the reigns and the players are overwhelmingly annoyed by his insistence to let Jack Armstrong attend practice sessions. He doesn’t really say anything. He just sits there and watches.
Somehow, the Raptors manage to finish fifth in the inferior Eastern Conference. They face Indiana in the first round. They are ousted in a measly five games and Kawhi takes the first flight to LAX post-game. Uncle Dennis starts a small fire at the ACC and is arrested for arson. Kawhi refuses to come visit him in prison until he is transferred to the States.
All in all, things could get pretty bad, but I’m optimistic!