Raptors Cage

The Recipe for NBA Championships: How Hungry are the Raptors?

Halfway into the regular season, the contenders have emerged amidst the surprising parity the league has seen so far. The top four teams in the Eastern Conference are separated by 3.5 games. The Milwaukee Bucks are currently sitting at the top of the East with a half game lead over the Toronto Raptors. The Raptors … Read moreThe Recipe for NBA Championships: How Hungry are the Raptors?

Raptors Revive Old Standard for Building a Championship-Caliber Squad

The Super-Team Uprising Since 2007, when the Boston Celtics acquired perennial all-stars Kevin Garnett and Ray Allen, the super-team era has reigned supreme in the NBA. Sure, the Celtics only pulled off the single title, but they were a steady force in the league until the next dynamic trio formed in South Beach in 2010. … Read moreRaptors Revive Old Standard for Building a Championship-Caliber Squad

What’s not to like so far?

Critiques typically spread between two slices of praise to create a ‘compliment sandwich’ for overly sensitive individuals. It seems like an okay tactic, so let’s try it with the Raptors. Rather, let’s keep these sammies open-faced for now so we’re not overloading on compliment-carbs. Freddie isn’t so steady Fred has been injured, which isn’t ideal … Read moreWhat’s not to like so far?

The Raptors are the second best team in the league

Sure, we’re nine games in and we’re all wearing rose-colored glasses a la Mitch Hedberg right now, but these Raptors sure seem legit. A lot of skeptics point out that the Celtics are still finding their footing in the midst of returning personnel. But, so what? So are the Raptors, in essence. Now, it is … Read moreThe Raptors are the second best team in the league

Analyzing Raptors’ big men after Monroe signing

The Raptors flexible big man rotation is a good problem to have. Greg Monroe‘s signing yesterday, 1 year $2.2 million, adds another body to the versatile group. Full information on Monroe signing here. With Monroe, the Raptors now have a total of six “bigs” (4s and 5s) that will be in the rotation. Jonas Valanciunas, … Read moreAnalyzing Raptors’ big men after Monroe signing

No Christmas Game for Raptors

In life, there are three certainties. Death, taxes, and Raptors fans complaining about not getting a Christmas game. Though it seems like Raptors fans should have accepted the inevitability a while ago, the addition of a superstar in Kawhi Leonard to an already great team opened the door for a potential matchup on Christmas Day. … Read moreNo Christmas Game for Raptors

The Worst-Case Scenario

We all know it is possible. Those who furrowed their brow at Massai’s decision to rid the North of Demar are waiting to toss out a “Told you so” or two, accompanied with a punch-me-in-face smirk come the end of the season. Nobody really wants that of course, other than a few Canadian basketball nihilists. As true Raptors fans, we want to see them kill it this year, re-sign Kawhi, and lose in the Finals every year until Golden State all get the mumps in a timely and suspicion fashion. That’s the best case Ontario. What’s the worst look like? Well, since it is the offseason, here goes nothing.
It all starts with Drake. Drake releases a Kanye diss track, which is the most poorly received piece of work by the Raptors ambassador since his work on Degrassi. Even Pulitzer Prize winner Kendrick Lamar rips him and his entire image is ruined. In an odd twist, Kiefer Sutherland is handed Drake’s season tickets. He rarely attends games, with Rob Ford ultimately filling in about sixty percent of the time.
The off court antics trickle into the locker room. While the team starts the year with four wins in its first five games, it’s reminiscent of when Bobby Rayburn closes his eyes and still hits a homerun during his first at bat for the Giants. While Robert De Niro doesn’t come along and kidnap Kawhi, he might as well in this storyline. Kawhi goes full on Beast Mode. But not the good kind, the media-hating iteration. He goes through the motions on the court and the only top ten moments he offers are shown alongside Mike Gundy’s “I’m a man, I’m 40!” rant.
Danny Green’s passion for the club and the city only serves as an annoying spark between he and Kawhi. Uncle Dennis works as Kawhi’s proxy in fighting this battle, which boils over during a trip to Boston, as Dennis finds himself fed up with the overbearing cross-border security. “Man, I ain’t taking my shoes off for nobody,” he declares as Danny picks up for the security agent. A pushing match ensues. On the court, Danny starts to show his age, and he is inevitably pushed down the rotation. In spite, of this he continues to babble on about how much he loves Canada. It evolves into a series of memes, until he is traded at the deadline for a second round pick in 2023.
While Kyle is still doing Kyle things, it’s clear he misses his buddy. He tries his best to transpose his love onto FVV, but the chemistry just isn’t there as FVV turns out to be a lot less reliable in the fourth quarter during the 2018-19 season. FVV’s clothing line takes a major blow as a result of his step backwards on the court, although he manages to sift out a niche market with a men’s briefs line.
Serge Ibaka attempts to push meditation practices onto his teammates, but only Jonas really buys in. Both players start to shy away from contact more and more, while tossing up three after three; they tend not to go in. Both players do more awkward things than non-awkward things as the season unfolds.
Pascal rolls his ankle early in the season and questions whether or not he can defend from side to side. He has a nervous breakdown, but overcomes it when Nick Nurse offers him his very own fully reinforced ankle brace that he himself used to wear during men’s league nights back in the mid-nineties.
In spite of this, OG Anunoby has a solid year. It doesn’t matter much however, as he can’t right ship himself. He seemingly hates everyone and everything.
Nick Nurse is fired shortly after the all-star break when it is revealed that he has been attempting to teach defensive tactics via NBA 2K19. In spite of how realistic the gameplay is, the players make fun of Nurse behind his back and he loses the locker room entirely.
Sam Mitchell takes over reigns and the players are overwhelmingly annoyed by his insistence to let Jack Armstrong attend practice sessions.
In spite of all this turmoil, the Raptors manage to finish fifth in the inferior Eastern Conference. They face Indiana in the first round. They are ousted in a measly five games and Kawhi takes the first flight to LA post-game. Uncle Dennis starts a small fire at the ACC and is arrested for arson. Kawhi refuses to come visit him in prison until he transferred to the States.
All in all, things could get pretty bad, but I’m optimistic!

Report: Raptors Sign Greg Monroe

Greg Monroe drives past Jonas Valanciunas

The Toronto Raptors have beautifully transformed their team into championship contenders. With the acquisition of Kawhi Leonard, many believe the Raptors are a few pieces away from taking the fight to the Golden State Warriors. If the 2011 Dallas Mavericks have taught us anything, it’s that role players are crucial for any and every team. … Read moreReport: Raptors Sign Greg Monroe